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29 September 2015 @ 03:19 am
I found some awesome before and after pictures that are super motivational. They are on my blog so check em out!

Also, side note, my blog is private but I usually make any picture posts public :)
 
 
16 August 2015 @ 03:56 pm


Decided I'd post my terrible weight, because it'll motivate me to drop it even more.

Also told my best friend and boyfriend. Really trying to force myself to stay on track, and usually hiding the number makes me feel more, secure? I don't know how to describe it really.

Down from 228. It's a start. Ate 1035 calories yesterday. Planned intake is about the same today.

My goal is between 800 and 1600 a day. Pretty big range but I figure if it's less strict I'll be more likely to stick with it.

Getting a gym membership Tuesday. Terrified to work out. I figure if I just go 5 times a week, even if it's not a super hard workout or anything, at least I will be creating a healthy habit and also burning SOMETHING. Better than nothing or working myself so I am so sore I never want to go back! Guess we shall see!
 
 
 
15 August 2015 @ 04:22 pm


Hello All!

It's been so long. Pretty much almost forgot about this community all together. Ended up finding quite a few blogs I follow and comment since I started here so that's been awesome support.

I usually update my own journal frequently. Although, there is a rare week or so when I am off. Definitely committed to updating every day (or at least 6 days a week) going forward.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi, and if you are new here and looking for support or want me to check out your journal just comment below.

Hope everyone is doing well :)
 
 
28 June 2015 @ 09:27 pm
I started on live journal about 2 weeks ago and NOONE has commented or read my page :( I didn't think I would miss it.. but I DO! I have Xanga for years and loved the feedback. But here I feel like I am on my own! I am so glad I found this group!
 
 
 
28 May 2015 @ 12:25 pm
I have been looking for my Xangians for TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!

I have no idea if any of you are my former friends. I had so many and I was in total denial about the end of Xanga and I lost everyone. I gained 40 lbs in those two years and I have had a HUGE void that nothing could fill.

I tried other blogs, but no one talked to me.

Is my life back?? Well, my secret self loathing support system life???

I miss talking to people (Even strangers on the internet) about how I really feel. I'm so fake, trying to be normal and happy for everyone in my real life.

PLEASE BE MY FRIENDS!!

I promise I won't be this weird all the time. It's just... its been TWO YEARS!!! I vhad half a heart attack when I found this group and read its name.

Thanks to anyone who actually read this. PEACELOVESKINNINESS

-T <3

 
 
 
04 May 2015 @ 12:56 pm
Hey dolls! Xo!

I know it's been a long time.. I usually just update my journal.

I just weighed in and wanted to let everyone know that I lost a total of 8 kg so far!

Everyone notices my weight loss but I still feel really big...

Do you girls feel that way sometimes?

I hope with this warm weather I can drop even more weight!

I have been doing walks and watching what does pass my mouth! ;)

I will keep you posted!
Good luck in your weight loss journey to everyone!
 
 
 
25 April 2015 @ 06:08 am

hey ladies, def Love this place.........don't understand why xangzie's havin probs, i have not pd any money in forEV, if they were to GUARENTEE that MY site & ALL those i followed would still be there? i'd pay it in a second!

so i hadda quit smoking last yr, alpha-1, genetic emphysema, i'm over being on oxygen, but glad im done w/butts. so w.e., i gained ovr the later part of the yr. almost 20 lbs........i had been trying to maintain 95.8 lbs. strange, that's jus my goal num...so i was fluctuating tween 95 & 100....my dr said,  ok. then all of  a sudden im 120 & shes like YAY, im like WTF? DONE w/dat shit! it was harder to do.........for a while my pain meds would work, to do that incredible loss i did in 4/07-7/08 i went from 175 lbs down to 89 lbs, obv i was THRILLED, i mean idk bout anyone else? but when i have NO appetite? i ream it for ALLLLL its worth, cuz you NEV kno when that's gna stop & ur freakin out tryna stay tha fuk away from FOOD! junk food!!!!!!!!!!! was buyin BAGS of chocolate candy, it was a rly bad idea, but i kept saying, well, i cant drink, i cant smoke, i cant toke cuz there's no one around who has any (that jus changed last nite, lol) so all i had was my chocolate. well, my gain may be "Managable", but the WAY it distributed is making me bullshit, cuz nuth fits right, big santa belly, fukin rolls, so i gained 3" in my hips, to be expected in a 20 lb gain, but EIGHT - 8!! fkn inches on my waist????
i went from a trim 23" waist, to a 31" waist.........makes me currayzee, srsly, NUTS,.................Then! i was in hosp for a wk, w/pneumonia,
i had NO appetite, so the food ppl were wickKKed nice!!!!!!!!! 3x a day they brought me 3 Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt & any red jello........it was AWES, sure, on one hand, im literally DYING, & i'm getn pumped cuz i KNEW i was losin........didn't start out that way tho........when i got admitted i weighed in at 117.7 lbs, w.e. when they discharged me i was 118.8 lbs, weird but w.e. i KNEW they had given me mad fluids IV in the beginning & i jus needed a WEEK to let that stuff process it way OUT & i'd be betta.....so i weighed myself either the nite i got home or the next nite & it was 114.2......i'll take that..... for now............so i go like this. i only eat once a day, at night........most of the time it's jus Yoplait Strawb yog, mayb lil granola in it. Plus Arizona Green Tea w/Ginseng & Honey, the Ginseng is for energy..........but no matter WUT i eat, it's a draggg cuz 5 mins aft im done  i have to take my pain meds immediately!!! it's a strategic attack.......some nights i'll have a Lean Cuisince Panini, Spinach, Artichoke & cheese, good stuff, not grimy at all............we went to rena's today & she bought "bday food", so eatin chicken sub with hickory backon????????? ew, shoulda got rid of bacey..............took the chick home...........i don't kno WHY i love chicken so much, it's laughable..........best used'ta be at Ruby's, Honey- BBQ Chick Breast Perfect, with tons o' sour cream, so ya, i'll douche this chicken up in that manner. but unTIL i reach my goal,.which i haven't even given thought to an exACT number but.......ya kno, gta lose tha belly! EV thing's so tight.........we did laundry at rena's & like im tiny, relatively, bcuz of my height, i'm 5'5" tall............i totally lie when ppl say i look so thin i say, ya, my dad was 6'3" & 145 lbs his entire adult life, that's a pure 17.5 on the bmi. so they think, oh ok, she's cool then.......only thing ISSSS, i am adopted, Lol, so i inherited NUTH from my daddy. miss him..how does 16+ yrs go by...
i'm sooo sry to have done this to ALL of you gals..........i jus rly needed to vent!
i read some of the posts, i DO have a copy of the xangzie lyt/lyts, i keep my sidebar to the left, well, jus go check it out, i have put MUCH work into creating it, i also sometimes think that yes, Percocet CAN be "the best dayyum diet pill" on the planet, cuz i've been on it, well she changed to the oxycodone *perc w/no tylenol, so 10mg, 2 tabs ev 6 hrs, and oxycontin 40mg tabs, 1 tab twice a day AND i have valium, i can take up to 3 a day, 5mg, there ARE certain "perks" you get when you're "sick", they wna help & hey, ev one says im currayzee NOT to have a handicapped plate, my lung dr said, when i go below 88 With oxygen, i think, she will be forced to report that to the registry, so, i dont wna be gettn a letter sayn my license is DONE for EV............im wayyyyyyyyyyy toooooooooooo younggggggggggg to lose thattttttttttttttt, i LVE drivin my sxy lil car w/stick shift And sunroof, fuk EV one in my asshole fam(ily)..............damnit alll to hell....so.............soon i'll be registered for a lung transplant at "The Brigham" in Boston. There are oth treatments for alpha-1, but basically it's a bitch. i look like a fukn CLOWN, gettn all dressed up (my hair is totally magenta, i asked for WIDE chunks of blonde alternating with pink, wow), and why do they nev have BABY pink?? so, i was all dressed up tday, & we decided'ta go'ta walmart, jusfor shit, yogurt, water, shit, then got lost in clothing, suffice to say, spent way too much moneyyyy, this money im blowin??? this was allll bday money to pimp up my angelwing tattoo on my back.........cuz my legal name change is rly "in the mail" now, soo, very soon i will have the pleasure of changing my name on my license, i am going to be.......Angel Dove.....the hospital dr said, omg, it's TOTALLY YOU...........perfect.......don't kno why it took me sooo long, guess i was jus lookin for the coolest name in the world........one of my middle names that i chose is cooL, it's "Fauve" pronounced like; drove, cove, it's French & means "wild, untamed beast", which is perfect cuz that covers my Borderline Personality Disorder... aft Angel i put Cinder (as my 2nd 1st name, not to confuse you!), cuz i LOVE it, plus my upbringing, i feel like cinderella w/no happy endin....so, then aft Fauve, my 2nd middle name i chose Julie-Ana cuzzzz Julie cuz the ones i've known ovr the yrs were like Supreme Beautys! plus it means "soft-haired chylde" and of course i was not NOT gna put in "ana" HA! rena was pissed, so i lied & told her i did ani instead, thats not so, so i'll happily be;
Angel Cinder / Fauve Julie-Ana / Dove = angel, slave-scapegoat / wild, untamed beast, soft-haired chylde / peace.........i feel like the meaning is very powerful.......i hope you all don't mind............been jus keepin the paperwork here for ovr a yr...........k, stop tlkn!!!!!!!!!!!!! i Hafta take Prednison for my breathing, so i'm sooo manic no one can stand me, i tell them, flee, save urself, RUN away from me cuz i wont stop tlkn till ur gone........well that seems to hold true for the mighty pen.........or rath keyboard.............so i'll TRY to STFU man! hate it!!!!!!!! like seroquel helps AT ALL...........
so lemme go anwer some questions & HELP instead o' gripin bout my currayzee Jiinxsay life!!!!! i also think, when it comes to "ana"??? FUK tumblr, but as regular gurls we can be FB friends, IF one wants........i am Jiinxsay Mahoney............if xangz ev comes back, we still have THIS AWESOME group...............i'd love to do some work on it........jus lemme kno wutchoo need......i'm helpful type and love ppl in general..............
k, have a great day gurls!!!!!!!!! you are POWERFUL! you have CONTROL, go have some coff................luv, your angel





 
 
04 February 2015 @ 12:09 am
My Dr. messed up this morning and left a piece of paper laying on the table with some test results and my weight was on there. She's an ED specialist so I'm weighed backwards and my weight is never on any forms I'm given. She did a new test on me today though and must have forgotten to screen it and take the weight off.

Anyway, I've lost 10 lbs!... In a year. A whole fucking year. Seriously?? It should not be this difficult or take that long. People can lose 10 lbs in a couple months easily, just not me. I was glad it was lower than I thought it would be, but it's still disgusting. I need to lose about 30lbs before I can even start THINKING about body acceptance. For real. UGH.
 
 
 
04 January 2015 @ 10:23 pm
I am a forever Xangian, and am completely heart broken that everyone left that community. I have succumbed to the LiveJournal community, but am completely dissatisfied with the themes. Do you have to be a paid member for your site to look decent? If not, how do you go about getting a theme that isn't totally lame? Thanks girls!
 
 
04 January 2015 @ 01:19 am
... Is up ladies?! It's been forever. Real talk, I'm drunk and on klonopin right now, although I feel pretty with it. I haven't updated in forever, I doubt anyone still reads this. I haven't been able to sleep for about a month now and I'm gettin real tired of this shit. I take Seroquel for sleep, but somehow it stopped working one night(?) and I haven't slept through the night since. Let me tell you, I'm goin cray. I've also been in a treatment program for like the past 6 months, but I only go for 4 hours, 4 days a week now and I'm basically tanking. I purged a couple of times recently after not purging for 2 years. LAME. I'm still holding on tight to restricting and exercising 2 hours a day because I'm fat and I suck and feel like I'll never recover. Suicide is on my mind often. My hair has recently started to break off and fall out (which is really traumatizing for me since it's the only thing I liked about myself and got compliments on), my period is irregular, I'm having heart palps, shortness of breath, my digestion is all messed up, I feel nauseous regularly and generally feel like shit. I don't know why my body has decided to start falling apart 12 years down the line all at once when I'm not even at my worst. IT SUCKS ASS. I've noticed that I've been clenching my jaw a ton lately because of the anxiety of being awake almost 24/7... my mind won't stop racing. I've never felt so crazy and out of control before. I've always had trouble sleeping, but it's never affected me like it has over the past month.

Random: Here is my fat face for you all to see. image
 
 
 
05 October 2014 @ 04:28 pm
I got my 10 miler out of the way. Now I feel invincible and ready to take on this weight loss. I also feel like I'm getting sick, it was the first cold night in Florida last night and it was definitely cold outside.

Here's some pics.
I did 10 miles. I stopped for tons of characters along the race, which of course added to my time. My average pace was 15:55 but that included character stops and a potty break.








I did not train for this at all. I haven't ran in over 3 months. I'm surprised I feel so good today. I felt like I ate a lot yesterday in order to prep for my run but when I got home I nearly passed out. I ate my power blocks through out the race, I kept my sugars up. I tried everything and I wasn't even hungry but after my shower last night I got really light headed. So I ate something. I still woke up about 2 pounds less than I have in a few weeks. Right after my race I was 133.2 this morning I was 134.2 which sucks but worth it.

I need to keep running. I have a half marathon in January that I need to start training for. I needed to start training for it 3 months ago but whatever. I'm not trying to get a PR I'm just trying to meet characters and have fun and get a medal.

I straighten my hair everyday, no one gets to see it curly. Ever. But last week during a day when I was out in the pouring rain for 12 hours without any rain gear or umbrella I just let my hair dry natural and it looked fabulous. It would look better if it was about 12 inches longer but it looked really good. So I haven't bothered to straighten my hair in about a week. I'm really liking it. This means I can focus more on working out and not having to worry about spending 2 hours straightening it. I think this will help with my working out.

I try to lose weight the healthy way with eating right and working out. I used to starve myself and it was very effective but I hated myself. I think I can one day get back to 125 without starving myself. I hope. I have this vision of what I could look like if I was just 115 or 120 again and I like it. I want it. I feel pumped up and ready to take on my weight loss again. So here's to trying.
 
 
 
20 August 2014 @ 12:35 am
Haven't done a picture post in like, forever. I got a new laptop and have transferred all of my old pictures over. Buuuutttt they are all unsorted. Want to come up with something so I'm not posting all the same pictures over and over.

Tumblr is definitely way easier for picture posting. Kind of also want to post more on here though so that I can occupy my time.

Anyone else have major unsorted laptop pics?
 
 
 
30 July 2014 @ 01:48 am
Feels good to be back.

IMG_4392

Week 1 progress
Start: 196
End: 191.6
Loss: 4.4 pounds

Aiming to lose another few pounds this week.

Been working myself to almost death since I've been back. Was soooooo far behind. Really low intakes a few days last week as a result. Much lower than I'd like but I guess it didn't kill me.

Then I went home for the weekend and ate way too much both days.

Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow :)
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 

I never thought of that before but it makes SO much sense. Seriously.

I'm at 1000 calories right now but I don't know if it'll stay that way...I just want the chips that are in the cabinet. But I KNOW I will totally overeat them and ruin everything so I can't. But I'm not sure how much longer my willpower will hold up.

Today when I woke up I weighed myself - still 125 - and then took a shower. I didn't eat or drink anything before I took my hour long, steamy shower and when I got out and was putting on clothes and stuff and put my hair in a bun I just felt like I was on the verge of laying on the floor and passing out.
But then I drank like two cups of ice water and had a banana with peanut butter and felt better.

I need something to distract myself from food......

I think when I get down to 120 I'll post body pics. And maybe I'll actually look smaller.

 
 
 
23 June 2014 @ 06:25 pm

Heyy gals,

I can't believe I'm back on here... I nearly swore to myself to never come back on here because part of me knows it is just fuel for the fire in regards to being tempted back into my old ED ways.

The last time I was purging & restricting regularly was September of last year. Then I didn't purge or restrict for months and months... then I randomly made myself purge once or twice in April... but since then my eating patterns have been pretty normal and healthy. Just a few times I've had the urge to purge but fortunately I had the patience to wait and let it pass. ^_^ Proud of myself.

empowered

Though... Lately I've been struggling with my perception of my self-worth again, and I notice that, meanwhile, I'm also getting down on my body image.... which led me to just want to "see" my old LJ account.

I know myself, and I KNOW it's a dangerous sign that I'm even on here to begin with. I don't want to feed the fire of my old obsessions, but I was just so curious and tempted to come back on here and join in on the discussions again.

b203810056

The truth is that I do want to lose some weight, yes, I can't lie. Since last summer, I've gained back the full 10 lbs that I lost. Last summer I ran a 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles!) for the first time ever, and I was in the "best shape" of my life. Although I realize I achieved that "fitness" in an unhealthy way, I want to give it another go at strengthening my body again, losing a little weight, toning my muscles, and getting back in shape.  That's all.

I hope I can keep it together and not resort to restricting/purging again. It would just be SO not worth it. I've come so far.